Starfish Songwriters
The Sandbox => MP3 songs for Review/Critique => Topic started by: Rob B. on June 01, 2026, 04:09:29 pm
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Well, it has a similar theme to yours, but it’s a lot less...uh...cluttered. it also has a memorable title.
Hey Robert,
Well, comparing my song to Dylan is already the nicest feedback I've received this week. 😄
I hear what you're saying about simplicity, though. Sometimes less is more. Point taken. I'll keep that in mind when I write my next song.
Thanks for the advice. It feels good to reconnect with you here.
Rob
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Well, it has a similar theme to yours, but it’s a lot less...uh...cluttered. it also has a memorable title.
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Hi, Rob.
I rarely critique, but have you ever heard I Shall Be Released by The Band?
Hey Robert,
no, I've never heard that song. Listening just now. It's a Dylan song. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
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Hi, Rob.
I rarely critique, but have you ever heard I Shall Be Released by The Band?
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Sorry I could not inspire some rethinking Rob...does not always work...
Was trying to not be in the fray but observe\judge etc...so thowing some ideas at you...with this person in their selrf enclosed room
John,
No apology necessary.
What I found most interesting wasn't so much the specific lyric changes as the shift in perspective. My version is very much from inside the prison, while your version steps back and observes it from a higher level.
And I have to admit, "I've plastered the cracks that let in the light" is a powerful image. That one stayed with me.
Whether or not I end up changing this song, I think your comments made me think more deeply about the underlying idea and where else it could go. That's exactly the kind of feedback I value.
I also appreciate that you weren't trying to turn it into an argument. You were looking at it as a songwriter and asking how the concept might become more universal and timeless. That's a worthwhile challenge for any writer.
Thanks for taking the time to kick the tires on it and throw some ideas around.
Rob
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I like this but song I wish it sounded more real if you know what I mean. It would benefit from sounding a bit more raw. As a commercial song it works - I don't think there's anything wrong with the arrangement, but I want it to rock out some more...perhaps because I'm a rock musician myself! :)
Hey Chris,
Thanks for the listen and the thoughtful feedback.
I know exactly what you mean. I went for a polished, commercial production approach with this one, but I can definitely hear how a rawer, more stripped-down rock version could bring out a different side of the song. It's always interesting how the same lyric can live in different musical worlds depending on the production.
I appreciate you taking the time to listen and share your perspective.
All the best - Robert
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Sorry I could not inspire some rethinking Rob...does not always work...
Was trying to not be in the fray but observe\judge etc...so thowing some ideas at you...with this person in their selrf enclosed room
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I like this but song I wish it sounded more real if you know what I mean. It would benefit from sounding a bit more raw. As a commercial song it works - I don't think there's anything wrong with the arrangement, but I want it to rock out some more...perhaps because I'm a rock musician myself! :)
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More accurately, what I have so far...but yes....
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I know you like the chorus and the lyric Rob, but I wanted to "rise" above it...this guy created his own prison by (Leonard Cohen reference) plastering over the cracks where the light gets in
So, these are two verses and a chorus?
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I know you like the chorus and the lyric Rob, but I wanted to "rise" above it...this guy created his own prison by (Leonard Cohen reference) plastering over the cracks where the light gets in
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There's no crack in the wall where the light gets in
When you plaster it over with whatever you can
Don't dirty your hands when useful idiots will do
Whatever you want them to
In this darkened room where my truth is my own
I know I'm a grifter and I'm picking bones
Tell you I'm the only one talking true
Whatever I say to you
You called for a saviour, someone to follow
Whatever I tell you now, take it and swallow
Even with no choice amongst stinking fish
I say with a straight face it's the best that there is
You called for a saviour, someone to adore
Promised you much now you'll have to endure
I really can't help it I'm captured inside
I've plastered the cracks that let in the light
Hey John,
is this a complete rewrite? I'm having problems identifying which sections of the song these are.
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Challenging and complex write. John is on to something with the exposition…how is the singer so self aware, and still so riteous?
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There's no crack in the wall where the light gets in
When you plaster it over with whatever you can
Don't dirty your hands when useful idiots will do
Whatever you want them to
In this darkened room where my truth is my own
I know I'm a grifter and I'm picking bones
Tell you I'm the only one talking true------(I'll be the sole arbiter of truth??)
Whatever I say to you
You called for a saviour, someone to follow
Whatever I tell you now, take it and swallow
Even with no choice amongst stinking fish
I say with a straight face it's the best that there is
You called for a saviour, someone to adore
Promised you much now you'll have to endure
I really can't help it I'm captured inside
I've plastered the cracks that let in the light
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I will have a closer look to see where this may go Rob..rising over the scene here is IMO a way to capture the universals in this...
John, I'm always open for collaborations. I can't wait to see what you come up with. It would be great if you could leave the flow in the chorus as it is because that section is soooo cool.
We'll be having friends over starting tomorrow until Sunday. Therefore... no need to hurry.
All the best - Robert
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I will have a closer look to see where this may go Rob..rising over the scene here is IMO a way to capture the universals in this...
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"Captured" tells the story of a person who has become trapped inside his own version of reality. Every contradiction becomes another justification. Every challenge becomes a conspiracy. Every criticism becomes an attack.
The song asks a simple question: What happens when the prison bars are made from the lies we tell ourselves?
Captured
https://soundclick.com/song/15264022
[Instrumental Intro]
[Verse]
I’m smart but you won’t see my grades
I’m clean but I don’t change my ways
I’m right when I say that I’m right
And it turns to truth when I say it twice
[Verse]
I’m innocent but I won’t testify
I stay quiet but I never say why
Release all the files unless I’m inside
If I’m in the story then the truth gets denied
[Pre-chorus]
Don’t ask me to change what I believe
I build my truth on what I see
[Chorus]
I’m captured, captured, caught in my mind
Captured, captured, running out of time
It’s a witch hunt when it’s not my way
It’s fake news when they don’t obey
I know it all - I don’t lose
I make the truth fit my views
Captured, captured, what I’ve become
Captured, captured, nowhere to run
[Break]
[Verse]
I’m successful but my business fails
I win every time when I tell my tales
If it helps me win, it must be right
If it hurts my name, then it’s out of sight
[Pre-chorus]
Don’t show me a mirror I don’t agree with
I rewrite the world till it fits my script
[Chorus]
I’m captured, captured, caught in my mind
Captured, captured, running out of time
It’s a witch hunt when it’s not my way
It’s fake news when they don’t obey
I know it all, I don’t lose
I make the truth fit my views
Captured, captured, what I’ve become
Captured, captured, nowhere to run
[Bridge]
If you come for me, I’ll come for you
In ways you can’t imagine I’d do
I built this world and I built it to win
And I can’t see the cage I’m in
[Interlude]
[Final chorus]
I’m captured, captured, caught in my mind
Captured, captured, running out of time
It’s a witch hunt when it’s not my way
It’s fake news when they don’t obey
I know it all, I don’t lose
I make the truth fit my views
Captured, captured, what I’ve become
Captured, captured, nowhere to run
[Outro]
I’m captured, captured, nowhere to run