Starfish Songwriters
The Sandbox => MP3 songs for Review/Critique => Topic started by: LAWHON on June 07, 2026, 08:51:29 pm
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I liked the first version (second on the soundclick list) more I think ...opens nicely stripped down then builds nicely....peak, then resolves down...
Thank you John. I liked it to.
But I saw Red's point about some of the wording.
I had the young mother sitting in distress, being beat-up by her circumstance, and then I had her beating herself up for the path of her life, in terms that a middle-aged parent might use. Terms that they might have read in an internet article.
Rather than writing it so that she beat herself up with more everyday conversation, I took her self loathing out and it caused changes to other things.
Am still gonna go back one more time in a week or two and see how it sounds then.
Thank you much for your input.
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A fabulous song to my ears. I gather there's been some collaboration with Red. I listened the first version too and I'm liking both if I'm honest. Out of interest, how was this track created? I'm just curious. However it was made it sounds great. :)
Thanks Chris,
Your praise is very appreciated.
Red did some coaching out here in the form.
As for the track: I fed lyrics into SUNO.
My prompt was:
"Genre to be Country. SUNO to read and interpret the lyrics and then complete the musical production."
My reasoning is that there are real smart people, accompanied by smarter robots, with a ton of money behind them, modeling "hit" songs under a microscope.
If the lyrics are about an emotionally compelling circumstance, and written in a compelling way, which strikes a nerve and excites an emotional response, then SUNO knows better than me what musical saddle to mount them on.
That always seems to work for me.
Thanks again,
Lawhon
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I liked the first version (second on the soundclick list) more I think ...opens nicely stripped down then builds nicely....peak, then resolves down...
Thank you. I liked it to.
But I saw Red's point about some of the wording.
I had the young mother sitting in distress, being beat-up by her circumstance, and then I had her beating herself up for the path of her life, in terms that a middle-aged parent might use.
Rather than writing it so that she beat herself up with more everyday conversation, I took her self loathing out and it caused changes to other things.
Am still gonna go back one more time a week or two and see how it sounds then.
Thank you much for your input.
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A fabulous song to my ears. I gather there's been some collaboration with Red. I listened the first version too and I'm liking both if I'm honest. Out of interest, how was this track created? I'm just curious. However it was made it sounds great. :)
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You're welcome, that was just a quick example of how not to have words that aren't really doing anything except taking up space.
Of course that wouldn't be my final version, that's why I just did verse 1.
You'll work on it more and you'll know when it's done, concise and perfect.
I'll look at it some more tonight!
Carry on!
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Red
I think that you can tell that I appreciate what you do and how you do it. In this particular case I think you stripped it down a little too much, and ruled out a couple of Rhymes that I like. I am going to go back and look at it one more time in a couple of weeks, before I call it done and move on to the next one. I'll take a look at your comments again. Thank you for your input.
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Before I go through the rest of the lyric, here's just a thought.
On a bench outside of the grocery store
I saw a teardrop on her chin
I said, Maam are you ok
She said no worse than any other day
I got kids I have to raise alone
not much money to have a home
*************************************do you see how I edited that without losing any details?
She was sitting on a bench outside the door to the grocery store.
As I was walking in, I saw a teardrop on her chin.
I asked, mam, are you okay?
She said no, I’m not okay,
but no worse than any other day
I got a girl and a boy that I have to raise alone,
The money that I take-home, don't buy them much of a home.
And that is, the greatest pain that I’ve ever known.
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FOR SOMEONE JUST TO LISTEN
LAWHON 260607
https://www.soundclick.com/LAWHON
This is actually a re-write of the "human dignity" song that I previously wrote.
It is the next iteration prompted by Red's suggestions. When I got back into it, I changed several things, including the title, so I created a new thread for it.
Dear Red,
I enjoyed your coaching on this and think that the song benefitted from it. If you have any other suggestions, I'm paying attention. :)
[V1]
She was sitting on a bench outside the door to the grocery store.
As I was walking in, I saw a teardrop on her chin.
I asked, mam, are you okay?
She said no, I’m not okay,
but no worse than any other day
I got a girl and a boy that I have to raise alone,
The money that I take-home, don't buy them much of a home.
And that is, the greatest pain that I’ve ever known.
[V2]
Even though she didnt know me,
She kept on talking like she did.
Sharin’ things about her life,
That most others would have hid.
I could feel the pain that she was living through,
But I was just a random stranger.
There was little that I could do
Other than listen…as she talked, ‘till she decided, that she was through.
[PRECHORUS]
When she finally finished talking,
I said I have a little money I can spare.
She said I’m not asking for your money,
It was enough, that you listened, like you care.
[CHORUS 1]
She said,
For someone just to listen,
And look at me like I mattered,
Was food for my weary soul,
A soul feeling broken down and battered.
For someone just to listen,
How it is to live like me
What you’ve already given,
Was a few moments of dignity
[BRIDGE]
She thanked me for my time
Got up and walked away
I’ve never been the same.
Since I stopped and listened that day
[CHORUS 2]
She said,
For someone just to listen,
And look at me like I mattered,
Was food for my weary soul,
A soul feeling broken down and battered.
For someone just to listen,
How it is to live like me
What you’ve already given,
Was a few moments of dignity