Show Posts - serenowolf

I think the intro verse is unnecessary and delays the chorus too much, it really doesn't do anything for the song IMO...I stand by what I suggested before...it doesn't sound like you want to restructure, so I think just inserting "but" before "all you need to know" is the easiest solution...that highlights that the chorus is different and more simple than the philosophical truths in the verse...I think it would then be a good idea to show how this is true in verse 2...I think that would create a clear and cohesive "why" to the song...of course, the choice is yours and i don't want to keep picking your song apart and discourage you...so I'll prob step back on this one and let you marinate and create with it. Looking forward to seeing what you end up with...

Ohhhhhh...so on my phone, I have to tap full site on the bottom corner and change my browser to view desktop to see that....but ok good to know! Thanks!

Well first, sorry to hear that...idk why but I pretty much felt she passed away right at the "every time I do, I cry" part...Maybe because you typically don't stop by an ex's house multiple times, that's a bit stalkerish...so if you want to hide the twist, you might change that line to sound like you aren't frequenting the place albeit sparsely...does that make sense? At any rate...nice job overall!

You have a nice voice...I think if you tightened the phrasing and cut some of the dramatic pausing...for instance "tear apart...and lose" you could just say "tear apart and lose" and go right into the Chorus...that might make the listener feel more movement. It's a little sleepy as is IMO...it's a nice song, but truthfully, I didn't get any of what you explained the song was about...and even with your explanation, I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to say with "go against the tide" ...so if you were to ever rewrite, you might try to say (or show with examples) the explanation but in the song...but as an artistic chill song, it works...nice job overall! Oh, lastly, lastly...in the spirit of utmost honesty, if my wife told me your first two lines, that I'm a stained old book she's read a thousand times...I would be kind of insulted...I don't think you meant it that way but just being honest of how it reads...

Nice job, since you didn't ask for feedback, I'll just answer your question. I get the sense it's about a woman who passed away. He visits the graveyard and stays til close...I'm assuming since "she slipped away"...suicide?

I don't see an applaud button, more like reactions? Thumbs up, down, heart etc...is that what you're referring to? Just want to make sure I'm not missing something...

I couldn't respond to the starfish story...but I feel like there's a song there tbh...I loved the story, really resonated with it and intend to use it from now on to explain why I keep writing. I just turned 41 a few days ago, have no illusions of grandeur or fame. I am blessed to not have to do this to survive, but on the flip side, the time I have to do this is sparse and I sometimes do wonder why I continue to do so. Ultimately the answer I always arrive at is if my song helps one person through something or brings one person joy, it'll all be worth it. Thanks for sharing it...

Thank you Marsha....WYD is text speak for What you doin? (That's why he asks himself that also) ...typically a text one gets after midnight...so the song is basically about getting a text from someone you know you shouldn’t go back to, falling into it again anyway, and realizing they’re kinda stuck in your head even when you try to move on. That's also why I went with Ur 🔥 for the title, because it can mean ur hot, awesome in text speak...but as a play on the word it's in my song as "your fire"....which can be dangerous, exciting and harmful all in one...

Oh no, Def wasn't my intent to make you write a whole new song....that's why I put my responses in to see if I was being harsh or going down the wrong path....I think you have two choices...stay the course, don't change much, really just add "but" as discussed and it makes a lot more sense to me with the contrast....orrrr pivot to the restructure I discussed...I don't think either route is a whole new song really....lastly...I forgot to say, yes I don't typically love what  AI puts out lyrically...by no means am I suggesting to use the lyrics it came up with in the discussion....just hoping it springs forth ideas...ok, I'll leave you be on this one....good luck!!!

I hope this is ok....I sometimes do use AI as a sounding board...usually end up using my own lyrics but "talking" to it, helps me work through to THE idea....I ran through this process with yours...if you would like to read the convo here it is...but essentially, I think if you restructure this, it will hit harder...start with adults in sticky situations, a lawyer lying to win a case, politician taking a bribe, couple on the rocks....make your first verse your chorus, but end with "but all you really need to know you learned in kindergarten"...use the 2nd verse to explain how those simple rules solve adult problems...and your chorus could be your bridge...this is completely just a thought and if you think your way is better, please be true to yourself... Funny enough as I type this, I just had the thought that it could be as simple as adding the pivot line mentioned above..."but all you need to know" to end the first verse...then you can keep your structure....I do think some lines could be better like the weather...also just came to the realization that kids are usually 5 in kindergarten, so to keep the theme, you may want to rework your bridge anyways....I added all that to the Gemini convo....https://g.co/gemini/share/3544fc25756e

My sweet family gifted me recording studio time and I'm so excited for the upcoming session. It's essentially time enough for one song but the studio adds instruments with the goal of getting it radio ready...I picked what I feel is my most modern song...this is a pretty rough demo and I think I can do the last chorus better but before I take it in the booth, I would appreciate any and all feedback...thanks in advance! https://youtu.be/FkvcDXCsg84?si=A8eJKkHpAoQqO-uBUr 🔥(Verse 1)When the light shines through this empty room like a devil dressed in whiteThat halo callin' in the dark just don't feel rightBlazin' WYD through my soul like a worn down cigaretteAnd I ask myself exactly this as I try to forget(Prechorus 1)All the scars you left behindOn the fragments of my mindAfter shatterin' my world by the byeStill I hover on replyHow do you do this every time? (Chorus 1)I can't fall into those eyesI won't let you hypnotizeI don't got any more lineTo give(Verse 2)My friends keep telling me that all you wanna do ain't rightThey don't know the times we made the room a sauna overnightAnd that we'd spend it there burnin' for air until the mornin' lightBut you'd just leave me here again in flames without an alibi(Chorus 1)(Chorus 2)I'm just tryin' to surviveWith you wired through my mindHow do I unengrave your fireFrom my skin? (Solo)(Chorus 1) {soft}(Chorus 2) {loud}(Outro)Oh tell me how to unengrave your fire

Sure, my name is Raul...I'll add it to my intro post as well...ok, I kinda hate I've made you spin your wheels on this so much...I don't think you need to get so complicated with it...when I struggle with a song like this...I like to dial it back to the root of it all...why did I write this song? Why does the world need to hear it? What sets it apart from other songs but also how is it similar to chart topping songs (if that's your goal)? If you can answer those, I think we can better help you get to where you want to go...because right now you have a very sweet song that hasn't hit it's potential in my eyes, but that could be very untrue if your purpose doesn't match what I think it is....does that makes sense?

Not gonna lie that's impressive from memory! Haha...cool song, eager to see how it evolves!

Ok this is pretty cool...great sound, has a 3 Days Grace or Breaking Benjamin vibe...I think my first bit of advice is to try to match your syllables and meters better...there are a lot of lines you tried to fit too much in a line and it was obvious...like "these tattoos hide the bites"...think I would stop at these people look the same...the rest is really vague and you start losing me...eternal flames in particular doesn't hit or go with the theme...I like the hook/title...you are my anti venom....but then don't say venom again, instead of sinking in the venom, maybe poison...idk...you just don't want to fatigue the listener...same with veins mentioned more than once...I don't love the second verse, feels a little vague and generic...this would be a prime time to show specifically what it is the anti venom is shielding you from...and how or why they are doing it...what makes that person so unique...give examples of what they do, not just appreciate what they do....does that make sense? I'll be honest and say that after that you kinda lost me...the bridges and breakdowns felt on point musically but maybe you don't need all of it and can make it tighter and less lengthy as redwriter mentioned...As a habitual over-writer myself, I kinda hate this truth, but commercially you want to hit 3:30 to 4 min tops and the 4 min versions are only if there is no room to cut without losing the story...that is incredibly hard to do consistently but if commercial success is your goal, you should try to hit it. Anyways, I think you got some good bones here, just figure out what you're trying to say exactly and let us have it...good luck!!

I'm with everyone, I was invested until that turn...I don't think it hits as strong as it could. Once again, a modern song with commercial potential...just think that ending needs work...I also think one bad choice and two beers is kinda weird, maybe one beer,or one drink from calling you....some of your lyrics are wrong again, I think what you have written here is better than the track though as through rhymes with you...the track's hook isn't set up well enough...loved the imagery of the first verse and the set up...I think you can nix her saying that in the first verse and just go into the Chorus where you say "you said don't call me when you've been drinking" ...it feels like overkill and delays the hook...nice job though!